“Fifty-thousand gold to the brave (coughfoolishcough) man who rescues my daughter from the tyranny of the fire-breathing…uh, dragon! Yeah!” decreed King Bob. “Oh, and her hand in marriage. (Not like I know anyone who wants her.)”
Sadly, ninety percent of the kingdom’s men were homosexual and/or married, and nine point ninety-eight percent were heterosexual and married. Why there were so many homosexual men running around is due to the fact the author said so! But anyway, those convient statistics left two men- Garet and Issac. Well, they had a friend named Ivan, but he ran off with a mystery girl named Sheba. And their friend Felix- well, Felix jumped off the face of the Earth, or some other kooky explanation like that. There was also a guy named Piers, but he choked on a pretzel at his own birthday party and died. Actually, that’s a myth- he left the kingdom, screaming “I’ve HAD it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!”
…Yeah, reports said he was crazy. ANYHOW, back to the main story. Issac, who has no surname, was a brave young lad, and knew how to wield a sword more masterfully than his friend Garet. Issac’s technique was “slash, riposte, thrust, parry, and HACK”, always in that elegant order. Garet’s technique was better suited to maces rather than swords- “bashbashbashbashbashbashbash” and a few occasional “HACKS”. Now, dragons really, really hate swords and people who use them effectively. So, Issac appealed to the king for permission to fight the dragon.
“Greetings, King William de Bobicus the III. I, being one of the kingdom’s only eligible and heterosexual bachelors, request the right to ride out to the dragon’s cave to slay the dragon and bring back the princess unharmed (though I can’t promise she’ll return in one piece- you didn’t hear that, right?).” Issac groveled. The king stared at him absentmindedly.
“…What? What dragon? …Oh, right, that fire-breathing thingamabob. Yeah, you can go kill-“
Garet burst into the room. “ISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAC!!!”
“…What?” Issac stared at Garet with a dumbfound look on his face. Who interrupts a meeting between a king and a knight? …Wait, if somebody bursts in like this…
“Issac,” Garet whimpered with tears strolling down his large face, “I discovered that I’m gay! And I’m gay…for YOU!”
“Awwwwwkwwaaaaaaaarrrd.” King Bob chimed in.
“…Uh, Garet…I see you as a friend, but I don’t see you in that way. I like GIRLS.” Issac stated.
Garet looked down. “That’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about…you see, I recently had-”
Issac looked at the king, embarrassed and annoyed. “That’s nice Garet, but I’ve got a girl with large breasts to save. Your majesty, may I have the kingdom’s only set of shining armor? I have to look good, ya know?”
Garet lunged at Issac, but succeeded only in wrapping himself around Issac’s leg. “ISSAC! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Issac violently shook Garet and kicked him to the floor. “Gerroff!” he grunted.
“Uh…sure, have the armor,” the king stated, still not sure what to think of all of this.
The dragon snorted and grunted as it stumbled through the cavern. Princess Mia was sitting on the dragon’s bed, bloody and traumatized for life. The dragon had done things to her, such as touching her, and sticking strange objects into her, and locking her into a cage that only he could enter. Notice how almost all of the ends of my semi-sentences have italics.
Actually, the dragon had thrown her into a cage sitting on his humongous bed while poking her with a plank of wood to check whether she was alive or not. She just twisted it into a situation of a sexual nature. Ooh, naughty. Either way, Mia had a fetish for situations like this. See, when she was first kidnapped by a dragon five years ago, she was traumatized for life, as the dragon attempted to make sweet love to her, but realized she wasn’t a dragon in the middle of the defiling act and gave her back to the King. The king and his invisible wife were ASHAMED, and of course hid the fact their daughter was in fact raped by a dragon from all of Weyard. Now, Weyard’s not a very big kingdom, so no rumors of it were leaked into other kingdoms. Mia’s fetish for being kidnapped and raped by dragons, though, was something she could not contain very well. She often fantasized herself and a dragon alone. Now, what these fantasies contained is a completely different story- a story not for the eyes of wee children. That’s why this story is PG-13- hooray!
Now, Mia was staring at her dragon captor. She had studied the dragon anatomy, and could now tell the difference between a male dragon and a female dragon. She looked at the tail, and her gaze went downward, towards the areas of a dragon where the sun don’t shine.
“…SHIT!” Mia yelled.
The dragon was female.
Plop. Drop. Plop. Drop. Issac stomped through the forest leading to the dreaded dragon’s cave. As he walked, his shiny, shiny armor blinded many a beast, feathered or not, and caused birds to drop to the ground like fresh bird poop. He noticed that the forest ‘twas brillig, and the slithy toves (whatever the hell they were) gyred and gimbled in the wabe. At this point in time, he wondered what the hell he was thinking, but went onward. Suddenly, he noticed the borogoves were rather mimsy, and the mome raths outgrabe. Issac hit himself on the head, wondering what sort of sickness was contracting, and was about to take another step…
“Beware the Jabberwock, my son!” a shrill voice said. Issac stopped in place to see the speaker was a shriveled old man.
“Uh…” Issac began, but the old man continued.
“The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun the frumious Bandersnatch!” the old man warned. Issac scratched his head, wondering what the hell a Jubjub bird was. Was this old man on something?
“Um, sir…are you okay?” Issac asked, although he really thought the answer was obvious- no. The old man stared at him.
“Actually, I’m a poet. They call me C.S. Lewis. Or at least, I wish I were C.S. Lewis. Now, go forth with your vorpal sword, and stand awhile in thought by the Tumtum tree! Then-“
Issac snorted. “No way in hell am I re-enacting a stupid poem. I’m going to the cave.”
And so, Issac stomped off, leaving the old man behind, all alone in a spooky forest with bird carcasses dotting the slightly mushy ground.
“I can’t believe I’ve been kidnapped by a female dragon!” Mia shrieked. “I DON’T SWING THAT WAY!”
“Oh?” a seductive voice inquired. To Mia’s horror, the speaker was the dragon. “You silly little girl. Don’t you get tired of men jumping on you and trying to get to your private areas whenever you appear in public?”
Come to think of it, whenever Mia appeared in public and was not protected by an array of bodyguards, she was groped by many a man. She hated human men, and she loved only dragons- even then, not all of the dragons fulfilled her fantasies. It started to make sense, in a weird, twisted way, much like how this very fic was written.
“Come, now. I’m gonna make you swing that way by the end of the night.”
“I hate overgrown bushes. I hate overgrown trees. I hate overgrown moss, and I hate mostly everybody right now,” Issac mumbled to himself. He was using his overly long blade that was bigger than his head and taller than himself by three feet to cut the thick foliage of the various bushes blocking his path. And Issac happened to be six feet, seven inches- do the frickin’ math yourself, I’m not a mathematician.
Anyhow, Issac and his bigazz sword cut a path through the clumped woods. Chop chop, chop chop, I’m making chop suei, chop chop went Issac’s sword as it sliced and diced through various endangered species of bushes and moss. Issac did not wonder why his sword was making weird sounds or why it was claiming to make chop suei; instead, he got aggravated.
“WHERE IN THIS FUCKING KINGDOM IS THE STUPID CAVE!?”
Mountains tumbled. Even more birds plopped to the ground. Any snowman a child could have been making in the artic regions was destroyed. And all that was left was one very, very angry knight in shining armor. Thank god he had not been wearing a visor over his head, otherwise he would have gotten even more hopelessly lost.
“Damnit, why do men have to have a bad sense of direction? WHY!?” shouted Issac.
Out of nowhere, a voice replied, “Because us women ended up getting periods, you were cursed to be horrible with directions and have to hear us PMSing instead of giving you directions.”
Issac was startled. “Jenna, what are you doing here?”
Jenna popped out of the bushes. “I heard you were going after the dragon and rescuing the princess from Garet, or, as he likes to call himself now, Garetta.”
“…GARETTA? What the hell?” inquired a shocked and disgusted Issac.
Jenna stared off into the woods, as if looking back on a distant, distant memory…or just looking in another direction to play the dramatic revelation scene right. “Garet…castrated himself and shoved water balloons up his shirt. He thinks he’s a girl.”
Issac slapped himself. Was this all a bad dream? Was he going to wake up anytime soon?
“Slap yourself all you want, bud, you’re not waking up, not waking up, not waking up…echo, echo, echo…” sounded a distant voice in the distance, which was very, very distant and no amount of traveling would make it any closer. It would always remain distant, because the author said so!
“Weyard to Issac, Weyard to Issac! Come in, Issac!” Jenna pestered Issac. Issac shook himself, snapping himself out of his mental problems.
“Sorry, I just heard a voice from a very, very distant place. Probably the voice of some being called the author, whatever the hell that is,” Issac chuckled. Jenna laughed with him. After a few minutes of hysterical laughter, Jenna got to business.
“Issac, I know the way to the dragon’s cave because of my feminine sharp mind having a compass installed in it. Follow me!” Jenna invited. She dashed down a dusty path, leaving behind small dust clouds. Issac rushed to follow her.
The dragon lazily rises from the nest she knitted herself out of various strains of grass. She figured she showed the stupid princess enough, so now she was going to feed, as the immortal duty of the dragon stated. Carefully, she stomped out of the cave, trying not to wake up the brat of a princess. If I were smart, I’d have boiled her in a pot already. But since I’m a stereotypical dragon-
Her thoughts were cut short as she felt herself squished in the narrow entrance to her own cave. She was stuck.
Right then came trotting our one hero and one heroine. Issac was gasping for air, exhausted from running after swift and all-knowing Jenna. “See? I was right! Men suck at finding dragon caves!” Jenna stated smugly. Issac sighed.
“Yeah, yeah, I know. Men stink, and women are the superior race. You’ve been preaching that for an hour. Feminist.” Issac gasped. Jenna smirked in victory.
Suddenly, a horrible roar emanated from the cave. Jenna let out a small “meep” and clung to Issac. “So much for ‘women are the superior race’.” Issac snorted. “Get offa me, Jenna.”
“No!” Jenna cried, shaking like an old man at the end of his days. Issac groaned in exasperation, and shoved Jenna away. He ran up to the mouth of the cave…
“Wow. Seems the dragon is stuck.” Issac stated. Sure enough, the dragon’s ugly head was visible, poking out of the cave like a worm revealing itself to the world from the deep trenches of dirt it called home. “Guess I better put it out of its misery.”
“WAIT ONE MINUTE!”
Out of the blue appeared C. S. Lewis. “In order to defeat the Jabberwock, you must follow my directions!”
Issac groaned. “NOT YOU AGAIN!”
Jenna was puzzled. “Issac…Who is this guy? I think he’s creepier than the dragon.”
“Knight in shining armor! Go stand a while in thought by the Tumtum tree! You, girl! Make the Jabberwock get out of the cave!” C. S Lewis commanded. Issac groaned once again, and stood by a random tree.
“Not that tree! The other tree, next to you!”
“What other tree?” Issac shouted, obviously annoyed.
“That tree to the left of you, you dolt!” C. S Lewis retorted.
Issac mumbled something about ‘stupid old senile men taking away my sanity’ and stood next to the tree the old man wanted him to stand next to.
“Actually, I liked the other o-“
Issac threw a rock at him. “Can it.”
C. S. Lewis was silenced, and rubbed the area of impact where the rock hit him. Jenna, meanwhile, used her stick to poke the dragon into the cave. After an hour’s work, she succeeded, and the dragon went back into the cave, and used the backdoor. She appeared after a moment’s time.
“Good, good! Now Jabberwock, go whiffling through the tulgey wood while burbling!” C. S. Lewis ordered, obviously enjoying himself. The dragon created a smoke cloud in annoyance, and disappeared into the woods. After another moment, she was seen flying through the woods and knocking down many a tree, thus causing an enviromentalist somewhere to have a heart attack.
“Alright, now this is where you kill the dragon! Then galumph back to me with its head!” C. S. Lewis ordered.
One, two! One, two! And through and through, the vorpal blade went snicker-snack! Issac left it dead, and with its head he went galumphing back.
“And, hast thou slain the Jabberwock? Come to my arms, my beamish boy! Oh frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!” C.S. Lewis chortled in his joy.
“…No way am I hugging a stinky old senile man,” Issac retorted. “Where’s my money?”
“What money? This isn’t a quest on World of Warcraft, you know!” C. S. Lewis stated, puzzled at Issac’s inquiry.
Suddenly, the dragon’s body glowed a bright, bright glow, since dark, dark glows aren’t allowed in the world of fanfiction or in physics. Slowly, the glow changed the dragon’s shape and form…to reveal the decapitated form of Piers.
“Oh my gosh, they killed Piers!” an familiar voice rang out.
“YOU BASTARDS!” yelled another familiar voice. Both owners of said voices jumped out from the nearby bushes.
“Ivan! Sheba!” Jenna yelled with joy. She ran to them in happiness…but was stopped by a PIMP SLAP.
“You killed Piers!” Ivan cried.
“Wait, Ivan! Look!” Sheba pointed at the body of Piers. It was growing…a new head. After a minute, Piers sat up like nothing happened.
“Wow, guys. I had this really weird dream about being turned into a female dragon and kidnapping some princess.” Piers recalled.
Issac pushed Piers out of his way. “Sorry Piers, I have a princess with large breasts to save! I’ll be sleeping well on dirty pillows tonight!”
Issac ran inside the cave and discovered the princess sleeping on a bed, presumably the ex-dragon’s nest. “Woooww…She really does have big breasts!” Issac’s hand, belonging to a male, of course, slowly came down in an attempt to touch the prized pillows that belong only to females…
SLAP. “Get away from me…you MAN.” Mia shouted at him.
“What…What the hell!?” Issac yelled, confused. “I’m your knight in shining armor! I killed the dragon like the old man said to! I have a right to touch-“
“I don’t SWING YOUR WAY.” Mia shouted.
Issac thought for about thirty minutes. Then, it finally hit him.
“You’re a lesbian!? …Kinky! Now I’m even more attracted to you then ever! Let me put on my robes and my wizard hat!”
Mia groaned. “God, why was the Internet BORN?”
Piers suddenly appeared. “Mia…I’m your dragon. Yeah, I was a female dragon. I know, it sounds weird…”
Mia sighed. “Damn. So I do swing that way after all.”
Issac did a facepalm. “Damn! Now you’re less attractive. Piers, you can have her.”
Piers smiled an evil smile. “But of course.”
Issac left the den, leaving Piers and Mia all by themselves.
Piers now had a predatory expression on his face. “I put on my robes and my wizard hat…”
WAIT! The story’s not over! Don’t leave now!
Well, a whole month later…
“I’M A PRINCESS!?” Issac yelled. Piers nodded.
“You were the daughter of the king and his invisible ugly wife. Then, you were abducted and changed into a boy by evil spirits. Mia was your replacement, given to the king and queen by your foster parents.” Piers explained.
“…So, technically…I’m gay, no matter what gender I lust after!?” Issac shouted, horrified.
“You’re no longer a girl. Unless you decide you like guys, go get Jenna. Heck, I don’t like Mia much. She doesn’t like my style of ‘getting down to business.’ ” Piers commented.
Another month later, Issac and Mia were married. Jenna and Piers were having arrangements for their wedding…and Garet…Well, Garret turned out to be C. S. Lewis the entire time. It turned out Garet wasn’t castrated, and eventually married Issac’s foster mom.
…To quote the king, “Awwwwwkwwaaaaaaaarrrd.”