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Reviewer: Acherons Grief Signed starstarstarstarhalf-star [Report This]
Date: October 30, 2009 07:09:28 am Title: Bathtime

This was good, I think you potrayed the loneliness and poverty very well (you'd have to be desperate to be friends with dust) I think it is a nice way of explaining things for these two, your description of the house gave it a very run down feel. No major spelling errors, the tone was kept all the way through and overall this was quite good.

Reviewer: Nibirus Starshine Signed starstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: September 14, 2009 12:59:29 pm Title: Bathtime

This is very well written. I have to admit, it got a bit intense for me in the middle, but I really enjoyed reading this.

Reviewer: Okami Signed starstarstarstarhalf-star [Report This]
Date: August 31, 2009 09:44:14 pm Title: Bathtime

It may seem a bit strange when you start, but after a while, everything matches in a swift flow. I liked specially how you presented his mind, as a storm constantly moving, the same tought repeating, but showing another side. But I think that's why I had to read this a second time to get in to it.

Grammar... I really don't find anything wrong.

I found it a little complex(the first time), but i liked it.

Reviewer: W C Eagle Signed starstarstar [Report This]
Date: July 24, 2009 04:19:54 am Title: Bathtime

I did like this story, I found my self thinking of it as I was working because i didnt get to finish when i wanted to. The story line is so interesting it kept reeling me back in. I liked the whole dust as his best fried and boom being his uncle idea. They were good euphmisms, and so was the parrot idea.

I do have some complaints though. The parts where the brackets would come in, it just seamed as though they were like a little man jumping in front of the page and telling me. I also though that some small parts of the text were a bit too stop start. I liked the general idea of it but it just got a little bit too much.

Other than that i really did liek this story. Good stuff mate.

Reviewer: Dante Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: July 21, 2009 05:03:52 pm Title: Bathtime

Myuuu, sooo good. xD I definitely see the Lethael influence on this, but I love your take on it. There were some times when I think your narrative might've skipped a few times or became a little too sketchy... probably a by-product of the parenthesis' interjections into the narrative. ^^ Nothing wrong with that, though, it's a device I use myself sometimes. And it fits the stream-of-consciousness flow of your style.

I really like where you led the story, and very well-placed revelation of the protagonist's name, and names in general. I remember you saying you wanted to explore Ouranos' fear of water, and this works pretty well. ^^

I also love Ouranos' personification of 'dust' as a friend, and using that and his addressing of it as a sort of stand-in for his conscience - the interplay between him and 'Dust' while he was contemplating the murder was great.

Oh, and while I think of it. I think you may've overplayed some of your repetition bits, namely during Boom's dunking of Ouranos and with Ouranos' narrative in going to kill the shopkeeper. Not in the actual paragraphs, but just with the short sentence repetition - there was a couple of times when I started to glaze over. =S Repetition is a brilliantly tool, but it must be used carefully: enough to get the point across, but not so much it starts to lose the effect.

Aside from that, brilliantly and flawlessly written. I love your descriptive foreshadowing in Ouranos wondering what the shopkeeper would look like with gaping holes for eyes, since it explains partially how easily he jumped to that, and I love your progression of Ouranos-as-parrot -> parrot-reaching-for-skies -> Sean-as-the-sky thing that really tied all that neatly together, symbolizing together Sean and freedom. Sean's introduction was brilliant as well, and brilliantly placed just at the crucial moment with the would-be murder. Was there also a bit of a hint that the shopkeeper was his mother, or was that just me? xD

Also, Sean and Ouranos' inadvertent blood-swearing was brilliant. =3


In short, I completely love your writing to death. Perfect ten, keep writing~

Author's Response: ^^;;; Muu, thank you, Dante! A perfect ten? @_@ Honestly, it's not that good. As you mentioned yourself, there's still room for improvement, but thank you! It means a lot to see you say that. And yus, I meant dust to be the reader/Ouranos' conscience - I'm glad you caught onto that, I'm not sure it's very obvious. ^^; The shopkeeper might have been his mother. I decided to leave it open, and I didn't figure it out myself. >_> You know, I stole off your post for that Lethael scene too. The Lily one. Half of those ideas I only just realized that they worked out to my benefit as I got to them, like the blood swearing and the Sean-as-the-sky thing. @_@ But eh, at least I thought of it. XP Thanks again, mruuw! ^^

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