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Reviewer: wq123 Anonymous [Report This]
Date: July 12, 2017 09:13:41 am Title: All Fall Down

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Reviewer: wlp Signed [Report This]
Date: December 06, 2016 06:27:26 am Title: All Fall Down

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Reviewer: yangying Signed [Report This]
Date: November 30, 2016 07:02:23 am Title: All Fall Down

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Date: November 30, 2016 07:01:58 am Title: All Fall Down

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Reviewer: IsaacLives Signed starstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: March 24, 2009 02:40:18 pm Title: All Fall Down

Wow. nothing like any other lighthouse shipping I've ever read, I do have to say. Very interesting take on the lyrics, but I quite like how it turned out. Sheba seemed a little....overly angsty? Neither of those are real words, but I think you'll understand. Kids, even mature ones, usually don't really know how the world works at 11. And she also seems a little hurried to be embracing a lover...but I suppose that you had to write it this way or else it wouldn't have worked.



From a purely grammatical standpoint, it was wonderful. Your flow and syntax were flawless and not for a second did any grammar or spelling errors slow me down. Also, all of your descriptions seemed to perfectly portray the event, and left me with clear mental images. In counterpoint, I had no idea what the hell was happening when she received the vision of Felix in the river. If that was your intent, to write a confusing and fast-paced introduction to Sheba's visions, than job well done. However, I found the chaos slightly distancing and kinda skimmed it. Not a major problem, but it did seem out of place.



I would recommend changing a little bit of your formating. With both the lyrics and flashbacks in italics, it began to burn the eyes. Perhaps tags could be used for the lyrics, or they could be centered? Little presentation things have surprising effects.



For future writings: Work on clarity within your descriptive paragraphs. Although the writing and ideas are masterful, poorly used pronouns and occasional run-ons lead to confusion. Also, characterization; Sheba is portrayed in a lot of different lights, whether it is the innocent 11-year-old or the lust crazed lunatic. That is not always a bad thing, and you have the ability to write deep characters very believably. Just give it a bit more time, maybe an extra paragraph for charactorial transition.





Author's Response: Wow, a nice long review! Yay~ Thanks, Isaac. In response to the part about the river, yes I wanted it really hectic and crazy. I was visualizing the actual happenings, and trying to write it out, but yeah. Thanks for the advice on formatting, as well. >_> Does she really seem so lust crazed? I'll have to take a look at that again. However, thanks again. I'll make sure to remember these things next time I write.

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