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Date: January 18, 2016 07:15:39 am Title: Chapter 1
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Date: September 27, 2008 05:55:44 am Title: Chapter 2
I'm guessing that this will eventually reveal what the heck is going on? Pretty good. Some points:
Kolima forest, if you're speaking of the one near Kolima village. Piers' hand? And you could make the whole thing a single chapter, or you don't have to tack on the first chapter before the second. Or "second part" as you put it. Is there any reason this is a round robin? Do you want it so that many can contribute? If you don't, you should take that off because the story may not go in the direction you want. Anyway, I'll stop talking about that.
Good on the detail, though more can still be added and try not using time periods so much. Instead of saying five minutes, try something like "Ivan ran to catch up to the others and after a short while, they reached ..." etc. Actually, that wasn't a very good example. Sorry! But I hope you understand what I mean. Wouldn't the water adepts be able to summon water? And I hope the time this is set in will be revealed soon as well. (i.e. during GS, GS:TLA, or post game? Or even pre game.)
I'm not sure about some things the characters say - for example "this is going to piss me off!"I believe Jenna says that, and I think it doesn't completely fit the game and its characters. Also, you can portray anger in different ways, rather than saying bluntly that the character is getting angry. For example, 'Uh oh.' Sheba (or whoever) thought, as she watched Jenna tense and clench her fists, her eyes narrowed. Whenever you write dialogue, try including some actions or feeling, like how you did near the end with Ivan, speaking with a faint smile on his lips. Let the characters have more freedom when they speak - it's not like a person's entire concentration goes into speaking, and the rest of their body stays stock still.
I don't know if this review has been any help, but I hope it has and hasn't discouraged you as a writer. Keep on writing! And welcome to the site, as our newest member (at the time of this review) I hope you have fun here.
Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for the tips you are right about a lot of things! No it does not discourage me and I put it into chapters because it said that I had too many words at first though I don't know if that was because I was trying to upload it out of a file. The reason that it is a Round Robin is because I was going to put in different situations for them. Thanks so much for the welcome and good luck with your stories also!