Date: March 20, 2018 08:55:45 am Title: Lament of the Blue-Skinned
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Date: May 15, 2007 02:58:22 pm Title: Lament of the Blue-Skinned
Hey, sorry this this review's so late - this fic was one of the more interesting ones in the last contest. So, you're doing a Prox-fic... ^_^
In the disclaimer, your use of 'thee' implies that either you're talking to the games as if they were a single person, or that all items pertaining the the person reading the fic also belong to Camelot. 'Thee' was the old second person singular pronoun, when 'you' was only used as second person plural. See: (http://alt-usage-english.org/pronoun_paradigms.html)
Anyway, as for the story itself... Nice, dramatic title. And a good first line - always a plus. It's cool to see the heroes described through unsympathetic eyes like that - a break from the sometimes-way-too-fluffy norm, and a way of acknowledging their tougher sides, even if the Proxans still seem (at least, at this early stage in the story,) to be in the wrong, albeit tragically. There is something that seems a little odd about that description, though; Saturos notes how Isaac and Garet have improved since they fought at Mercury Lighthouse, but describes Ivan and Mia as if he hadn't seen them before, let alone fought them there too.
It's a bit redundant to write 'which we knew to our best knowledge' when you could just put 'which to our best knowledge'. I don't think you can use 'wrangled' like that (as he neither contrived to get it like that, not herded it), but the image you're going for is a cool detail. An 'advocate' is someone who speaks (or writes) in someone's support; the phrase "devil's advocate" is only really used for people who argue one side of a debate just for the sake of arguing the point, as that tends to mean trying to give reasons in support of the more unpopular view. Someone who resorts to violence without trying to reason things out wouldn't qualify as that at all. They'd be a "devil's champion" or "devil's warrior" or something. Still, the desperate vehemence of his view is well conveyed. Plentiful use of 'bastards'... ^__^
They fell into the inside of the lighthouse in the game, but off the outer ledge into the sea here... Makes your fic possible, I guess, even if it makes it kinda AU. When I saw that you killed Menardi off, it just make me think, 'Arghh, why is it always her?! Why is it that whenever one of them survives or they die one after the other, it's always Menardi who dies first and Saturos who narrates?' Seriously, we saw so little of her in the game and now you won't even be using her here... It could well be that in the present-time-period part of the story, killing one of them off proves worth it for the plot and atmosphere, but as this is where it goes into flashback mode, that won't be clear for a while. Still, at least she'll be in the flashback part.
That they use 'Anemian words' is definitely interesting; will you be describing a link between Prox and Anemos? The use of Japanese honourifics in an English-language story doesn't bother me as much as would in a fandom that included real-world countries. As there is no Japan in Weyard, those honourifics could perhaps be used as a fanfic alteration of canon in one country on Weyard, given that the fic's departing from canon a bit as it is. The thing is, I'd have thought that country would be Izumo, seeing as that's the one modelled after Japan. (Maybe there's a link between Prox and Izumo too?)
'Prematurely' is misspelled as 'prematurally'. 'Venison' is the word for dead flesh of a deer when it's eaten, not the name of the animal. Aside from that, good description of his family background - several nice effects there. Oh, and giving Fiore's name there might have been better than giving it in that bracketed part in the middle of a sentence that would sound better uninterrupted.
Since multiple reviews for a chapter are allowed here (unlike at ff.net), I hope you don't mind if I leave it halfway for now. This is taking longer than expected.
Author's Response: There are, first of all, a couple reaons why I chose to do it from Saturos's view rather than from Menardi's. 1. Menardi has a ireful, flaming personality that I find hard to recreate. It would be much easier for me to write from the point of view of someone who is able to think in a logical, calm manner. Or at least, someone who thinks like I do. 2. Saturos and Menardi have an intimate relationship. When Menardi died, I wanted to convey her beauty. If I described Saturos dying instead... well, I don't really know what women find attractive in men XD. About the venison, I made Saturos describe the deer in that way to convey to the reader that deer--to Proxians-- are food. They're meat. The japanese honorifics-- I had a bout with myself on whether to use them or not. You see, Rozz, I knew it would sound weird to use them in the english language. On the other hand, honorifics are useful because they tell the reader how one person thinks of the other. They remind the reader of the kind of relationship they have. Plus, honorifics are just plain cute, and because Golden Sun was a japanese game with japanese-style characters, I thought I could get away with it this time. Would you prefer them gone? Thanks for pointing out all those other errors and inconsistancies. You're embarrassing me a fair amount *Sweatdrop*. I forgot that Saturos and Menardi actually fell into the lighthouse well rather than fall off the lighthouse ledge (which Felix and Sheba both did, right?) Sorry XD. Did I describe Saturos as not seeing Ivan and Mia before? I must've been mixed up with the Mercury Lighthouse part. Sorry once more Anemian words? What do you mean? *rereads* Sorry it took so long for me to reply. I REALLY want to hear more of what you have to say.
Date: February 16, 2007 11:00:16 am Title: Lament of the Blue-Skinned
Wow, this makes my Lighthouse fall description seem horrible (and not just because of the inaccuracies).
My only complaint is the use of Japanese titles in an English story, it just sounds odd...