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Reviewer: happyleila Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: September 13, 2019 06:18:51 am Title: Prologue

Karen Millen
Vans Slip On
Adidas
Kyrie 5 Shoes
Pandora Rings
Harden Vol 3
Birkenstock Outlet
Calvin Klein
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Coach
Christian Louboutin
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Yeezy Canada
Off White Clothing
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ED Hardy Jeans
Asics Kayano
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Off White T Shirt
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Converse All Star
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Jordan Shoes
KD 11
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Nike Air Max 90
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Michael Kors Handbags
Ecco Shoes For Women
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Bvlgari Ring
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Supreme Shoes
Salomon Speedcross 4
Asics Running Shoes
Birkenstock Sandals
Fila Canada
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Hydro Flask 40 OZ
Vans Old Skool
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A Bathing Ape
Hydro Flask Stickers
Cartier Love Ring
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Bape Clothing
Salomon Boots
Supreme Clothing
Bottega Veneta
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Fjallraven Backpack
Pandora Canada
Red Bottoms
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Adidas Superstar
Converse Trainers
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MCM Purse
Vibram Five Fingers
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Salomon Running Shoes
Jordan Shoes
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Off White T Shirt
Kyrie 5 Shoes
Supreme Canada
Clarks Boots
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Coach Purses
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Adidas Originals Ultra Boost
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Adidas NMD
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Coach
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Lauren Ralph Lauren
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New Balance 574
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Kevin Durant Shoes
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Jordan Retro
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Toms Shoes
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Longchamp Backpack
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Giuseppe Zanotti Shoes
North Face Coat
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Adidas Canada
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Nike Air Max
Coach Wallet
Golden Goose
Suicoke Shoes
Mizuno Wave Rider
Coach Handbags
Pandora

Reviewer: happyleila Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: September 13, 2019 05:00:30 am Title: Prologue

jordan retro 11
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nike air max
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adidas originals ultra boost
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Reviewer: suminghan75 Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: August 01, 2019 05:18:52 pm Title: Prologue

Pandora Rings
Off White
Pandora Bracelet
Ugg Slippers
Supreme Clothing
Goyard
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North Face Jacket
Adidas Ultra Boost UK
Air Max 97
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Nike CA
Air Max
Birkenstock Sandals
Off White Belt
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YSL Bags
Vans Shoes
Yeezy Supply
Hydro Flask 32 OZ
Prada Canada
Longchamp Bags
Champion Hoodie
Saucony Sneakers
Off White
Skechers Shoes
North Face Backpack
Nike Shoes
Brooks Tennis Shoes
Yeezy Canada
Supreme Shirt
Timberland Shoes
Fjallraven Kanken
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Ugg Slippers
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Jordan Retro 11
Moncler T Shirt
Jordan Retro 11 Low
Golden Goose Shoes
Polo Ralph Lauren
Golden Goose Trainers
Birkenstock Sandals
Valentino Shoes Sale
Off White
Yeezy Boost 350
MCM
Calvin Klein Shoes
Mizuno Sneakers
Giuseppe
Bottega Veneta Wallet
Under Armour Tracksuit
Hydro Flask Lids
Saucony Womens Shoes
Pandora Canada
Michael Kors Handbags
Ugg
North Face Outlet
Burberry
Uggs For Men
Hydro Flask
Timberland UK
Fila Shoes
Hydro Flask 32 OZ
Birkenstock Sandals
Nike Air Max 270
Pandora Rings
Yeezy
Kate Spade Bags
Skechers Sale
Coach Outlet Canada
North Face
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Moncler
Supreme
Ralph Lauren
Valentino Shoes
Moncler Jackets
Skechers Shoes
Fitflop Sandals
Asics Tiger
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Fjallraven Sale
Valentino Canada
Birkenstock
Golden Goose Sneakers Sale
Brooks Sneakers
Karen Millen Sale
Fjallraven
North Face Vest
Timberland Boots
Balenciagas

Reviewer: suminghan75 Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: July 31, 2019 03:12:06 pm Title: Prologue

Air Max Yeezy
Limited Edition Air Max 97
Nike Air Max Plus On Feet
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Adidas Superstar Supercolor
Ugg Australia Sale
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Asics Gel Tennis Shoes
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Adistar Boost
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Red Adidas Slides Mens
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Jordan Supreme Shoes
Adidas Neo Trainers Mens
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Pandora Jewelry Locations
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Nike Presto Safari
June 2019 Nike Releases
Asics Gel Noosa Womens
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Pandora Preview 2019
Nike Metcon 10.5
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Pandora Specials 2019
Cheap Nikes
Best Asics For Flat Feet
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New Jordans That Just Came Out
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Jordan 13 White
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Nike Air Uptempo Mens
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Nmd January 2019
Yeezys Size 7
Michael Kors Hamilton Handbag
Yeezy Pirate Black 2016
Adidas Iridescent Shoes
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Supreme Dress
Waterproof Birkenstocks
Nikeid Lebron 15
Asics Classic Shoes
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Pandora Fairview
Air Max 90 Off White

Reviewer: happyleila Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: June 30, 2019 10:21:32 pm Title: Prologue

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Reviewer: suminghan75 Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: June 30, 2019 10:16:59 am Title: Prologue

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air max
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jordan retro
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goyard handbags
yeezy boost 350
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fila shoes womens
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longchamp handbags
lebron james shoes
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off white sneakers
salvatore ferragamo
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jordan 11
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salomon speedcross 4
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pandora jewelry
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jordan retro 11
nike air max 95 mens
air max 270
pandora bracelet
yeezy 350
burberry bags
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salomon speedcross 4
nike air max
harden vol 2
mizuno running shoes
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Reviewer: suminghan75 Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: June 25, 2019 05:02:33 am Title: Prologue

Fitflop
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Adidas Boost
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Harden Shoes
Nike KD
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Coach Handbags
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Lebron 16 Shoes
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Reviewer: happyleila Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: June 10, 2019 10:41:35 am Title: Prologue

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Reviewer: suminghan75 Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: May 16, 2019 09:57:30 am Title: Prologue

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Reviewer: skachofski Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: August 22, 2007 11:01:47 pm Title: Prologue

как пожар делает вами чывство? тепло? мертво?

Reviewer: Grand Terramancer Signed starstarstarhalf-star [Report This]
Date: November 30, 2006 01:10:24 pm Title: Witness and Experience

It's been two and a half years. Two and a half.
You are putting far too much stock into the rather odd belief that circumstance is all that determines personality. Circumstance may mold a person, but much in the way freezing water into ice doesn't change the substance, circumstance cannot fully change what a person is. Drastic changes can come about, but not in such a short span as you've depicted them coming about in.
I'm going to assume that "Boy, she was hot!" referred to temperature. Please, don't correct me if I'm wrong.
So the moon crashed into the continent of Atteka, causing a magical tsunami with the uncanny ability to go around Gandowan, before making several right turns in order to hit Lemuria. For some reason, I find that a little far fetched.
I hope the next update comes as quickly as this one did. I'm interested in seeing where you're going with this.

Author's Response: I don't intend to be rude, but if you would pay more attention to the story you would notice that it stated the shift in gravitational pull caused the tsunamis not the impact itself. Also, yes I was referring to heat, I didn't intend the double pun (no wonder it seems like Puelle likes Jenna when that wasn't what I intended). As for personality, it is only a few personalities, and I did that to add a bit of flavour. My English teacher always tells me that you need to take risks. Anyway, your post made me aware that I do need to be a bit more careful as to how I state things.... Oh well, thanks for the input.

Author's Response: Oh, and the next update will be most likely on Saturday, because chapter 3 is written differently then the previous 2 and I am running it through a friend first.

Reviewer: Dante Signed starstarstarhalf-star [Report This]
Date: November 29, 2006 04:28:19 pm Title: Witness and Experience

- “Jenna sent me to get you; she sensed a disturbance in the psynergy.” -
Dot. Dot. Dot. Okay, Obi-wan Jenna.
Okay, I have to say, Puelle was extremely out-of-character here. Gone is the business-like, determinted and resourceful Puelle from the games, and now we have a bumbling, traditional, lazy Puelle who seems to have the hots for Jenna? That might be just me, but it seems a wee bit weird.
Also, I don't think you concentrated enough on Garet, as he played just as much as a role as Jenna, and with just as much 'talent'. Unless Puelle really does like Jenna, and that strikes me as a trifle odd. But anyway, I digress.
The thing with the moon falling from Prox was a bit more well-done, and it was a nice touch with Puelle sensing an overflowing amount of Jupiter psynergy, since it makes sense, as it is Anemos. But when you think about it, wouldn't it just be replacing Jupiter that Weyard lost long ago?

And as to the second part, with Conservato. I have a logic problem here: if you know that the seas are going to upset and go wild, -why- would you seek the -lowest- point of ground, closest to the sea? Generally, you go to the high ground to get away from the water... and considering Lumeria is perched on the top of a high cliff, that makes even more sense. Think about the logic of the stuff you write before you write it, mmkay?
Also, I think you need to look into your comma usage and sentence structure. Look for ways to, instead of breaking up your sentences into little pieces seperated by commas (it looks messy and reads awkward), try to string it all fluidly. I help you out next time if you don't get it.
I'll be reading.

Author's Response: As for you first comment with the Obi-wan Jenna, good point. That looks like a good thing to change. Anyway, you might notice the characters personalities be different from before Alchemy. I tried to take it from a different perspective, considering the fact that changes in an environment can greatly effect a person. As for the going under Lemeria; I did that because generally a wild ocean is giant waves. Considering this, I figured that it would be better for them to seek shelter from the waves rather than sit like little ducks to swiped away, which I considered. All in all though, your comments are a great help because it helps me focus more on what the reader sees compared to what I see as a writer.

Reviewer: Grand Terramancer Signed starstarstarhalf-star [Report This]
Date: November 28, 2006 06:03:20 pm Title: The Falling Moon

I agree with Dante. Hama's attitude towards Ivan could be described as borderline neglective. She just doesn't seem the type of person to try and kill off her sister in law.
So did everyone die, or was that just the people in Contigo? I'm not exactly clear on that...
Seems fairly good, I'm looking forward to your next chapter.

Off topic: That baby has a name? oops, probably should have checked that before making her a major character in my story...

Author's Response: In the games I noticed Hamma tended to hide her emotions. Because Alchemy is now released, I was trying to make her seem more open, vulnerable to the emotions she had always kept locked away. Both of you had a good comment on Hamma, and I will make it more apparent in the chapter why she had these feelings towards Ivan and Sheba, but it really wouldn't be murder, more rejection.

Reviewer: Dante Signed starstarstarhalf-star [Report This]
Date: November 28, 2006 12:32:06 pm Title: The Falling Moon

Consider this a review for both chapters, mmkay?
Anyway, first off... decent story, though there's a few things you can stand to brush up on.
Fyi, how did they manage to recover Menardi's black orb? Sheba said at the start of TLA Saturos had it on him when he fell into the aerie, and 'it's probably at the bottom of the sea by now'.
Hama seems a little odd, being jealous of Sheba for 'stealing her Ivan'. She doesn't strike me as the type to be sisterly-protective to the extent of actually wanting her to die for it. It's almost... incestuous.
And as for the moon falling... reminds me of Majora's Mask, but I guess that's unavoidable in a situation like this.
Anyway. I think you may have rushed the whole moon-falling scene, since it strikes me as an important or key part of getting this story started. Perhaps delving into the individual trials of the random Contigoans, as they struggled to gather their things/escape the moon. Just to give the story a sense of realism and urgency, that these aren't just random npcs about to die, they're people, each with their own lives.
For example, one scene that you could have done would be baby Ahri (who would've been four or such at this time) staring up in confusion at the descending moon, uncomprehending what was happening until it's too late. She was the baby Jupiter Adept, in case you don't remember.
And also, perhaps Hama looking up at the moon every soon often and commenting as the details of the rock became more and more apparent...
I guess the point I'm trying to get across is to add more details, charge your story with emotion, so to speak. Make it real, by little gestures/idle thoughts beyond 'guilt for the Contigo people'. I want to fell as if I'm actually there, breathing in the swirling dust as the moon descends, tremble with the grinding of the earth, be plunged into total darkness as the moon eclipses the sun... you get the picture.
Lastly, I'm guessing the Djinn in the Sanctum had something to do with this?
Anyway, decent chapter, all in all.

Author's Response: Yeah, I felt the same way. My biggest challenge with anything I write is that I tend to rush what I am explaining to get on to the next part. I will most likely go through and add more detail to the chapter. Taking that into consideration, I will try and make the second chapter more descriptive as I write it so I won't have to worry about rewrites. Also, thanks for mentioning the Black Orb, I wasn't really sure if mentioning they recovered the Black Orb would be overkill or not.

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